Baby, we found love right where we are.
16 year old child: mom, dad: I'm gay/lesbian/bi/pan
Straight parents: you're too young to know what your sexuality is! It's just a phase.
Baby boy: *stares at a baby girl for no reason other than the fact that babies stare at everything*
Straight parents: oooh! Ladies man! We're gonna have to keep the girls offa you!
my mom and dad were arguing in front of me whether to give me a present now or to wait til christmas and my mom was like “can we give her it now?” and my dad was like “what present” and my mom was like “you know… the good one” and my dad was like “spell it” and my mom goes “GREG, SHE’S 23”
job interviewer: so…tell me a little about yourself :)
me: sure. i’m a virgo, INTJ, i love tank tops oh my god did you see the Anaconda video? that changed my life!
interviewer: bitch me too! the fuck. you got the job
Two chemists walk into a bar.
One of them asks for H2O. The other asks for H2O2 and giggles.
The bartender serves them both hydrogen peroxide because he’s fucking tired of chemists walking into his bar and trying that joke.